Trying Fails Me
I awoke like I often do, after making up sleep, with a bombardment of thoughts. In the middle of the night, it had come to me to call this entry Dodging Thought Bullets, but I awoke completely devoid of inspiration, and in something of a panic.
“Yikes! I’ve committed to writing a friggin’ blog about joy three times a week?! And to doing it when the truth is, I’m not joyful all the time. Why, I’m not joyful at all! Not now; not this week…not for months! “On top of this I felt an urgent pressure to push the blog ahead; build an audience and get the word out — now!
Worse, I felt like I had to prove my own point — written in my entry #1 back on Monday — that “joy is something you allow.” So there I was, finding myself sitting up in my bed, trying to pressure myself into allowing joy to come through…
“Just get out of the way, and let it come, Charley!”
…pulling at the Chinese Handcuffs in my mind; pulling against myself like someone grabbing their own feet in an attempt to hoist themselves up.
And then I had a thought — I don’t know where it came from — what if I was right where I needed to be? What if this — this stuckness and cluelessness about getting to joy — was where I’m supposed to be? What if everything is coming along just fine? The blog; this whole process? And what if I was ok, just as I am (yes, including all the pushing of myself; and all the stuckness)?
Suddenly, with a big sigh, tears of relief erupted from below. You mean, I’m not supposed to be joyful? It’s ok if I’m not there? And then I burst into uproarious laughter, right along with the tears, like the sun bursting through rain clouds. Laughing from relief, and at my silly self.
And what was this feeling that now was bubbling up like a warm glow from my chest? Dare I say it?!
The first time I’ve felt truly joyful in a long time.
So I don’t know how to make myself joyful! When I try, I fail!
And when I allow — not joy, but myself — to emerge, and just be where and who I am, right now (and right now I’m a befuddled, silly goose) I’m there!
My problem is “I should just be where I am” is a concept way too simple for me to grasp. It eludes me like light when I close my hand around it.
And where I am right now is clueless about joy, and tired from trying, and from feeling burdened with trying to prove myself worthy of your time and attention.
And, at least today, at least for myself, that’s enough.