“You Did WHAT?!” Said God The Day I Died.
He was very angry with me. He was reviewing my life.
“Now let Me get this straight.” He said (and yes, He capitalizes the first person singular when He speaks).
“I gave you two good, loving parents; set you on earth in the most blessed nation (by Me, if I do say so Myself) on earth, at the zenith of its power; for 80 years of (mostly) healthy living; with talents of all sorts; without any major hindrances (save for Betamax and that Cheney coup in ‘11); and in a form I created in a stroke of genious – the human body – complete with a spirit, in its 2 millionth year of evolution, with billions of regenerating brain cells and synapses devoted to giving you immediate access to a wild range of emotion and sensation, from ecstatic pleasures to the deepest, darkest sorrows; the greatest spectrum of experience the universe – My universe – has ever known: physical, intellectual, spiritual, – and this is how you spent your time?!”
I hung my head as God, looking more hurt than angry, pointed his — I mean His — finger.
“Your punishment is obvious, isn’t it?”
“NO! You can’t!”
“You wasted your time…which is to say, My time”.
“I was reading your life story the other night as I was prepping for your arrival while you were on your deathbed. Do you remember the TV in your hospital room, reporting on the flooding in Asia the night before you died? That was because your life story was literally boring me to tears!
“Instead of exploring, you spent your time explaining. Instead of experiencing and experimenting, the longer you were alive, the more you closed yourself off to new possibilities and adventures. I even gave you basic cable and New York City winters to make the time seem like it would never end! But what in all your years did you create that was different from what anyone else among the 6 billion souls who preceeded you created? Most of them had half your years, plus famine, war, plague, hardships of all kinds; half of them actually died of laughter watching Dodo birds mating.
“You went for comfort, safety, the early sleep of routine, predictability; a totally off-the-rack life.
He was running down a checklist on his pad.
“The last time you’d actually had an original thought was back in the 80’s, and you apologized for it at the time because your friend ridiculed you for it.
The last time you did something outrageous and unpredictable was 1968. The last time you laughed uproariously was 22 years ago.”
“Oh yeah, that Sam Kennison HBO special…”
“And then your wife told you she didn’t think he was funny, so you stopped watching him, remember?”
“The last time you spoke to one of your kids from the bottom of your heart was on your deathbed, but you were in a delirious coma, so no one understood a word you said.
“’Fulfilled exactly .0026% of his sexual fantasies’”
“But wait a minute! That was because of you!”
“I stopped you from fulfilling your sexual fantasies?!”
“Yes, I was married and…”
“Yeah? The woman down the hall from you hadn’t had a man since her husband died 8 years before. She was desperately lonely and one of my loveliest creations. After you flirted with her one day, the hope you would knock on her door and spend some time with her some afternoon kept her going for awhile. Finally she gave up on you and got hooked on Oxycontin instead. Pretty cowardly and selfish, wouldn’t you say? Exactly what did I give you sex for? Or fantasies?”
“But God! That would have been adultery! One of Your 10 Commandments!”
“Don’t give me that. That’s not why you didn’t do it! You were afraid of getting caught, and feeling guilty, and afraid I’d condemn you to the place I’m about to send you now. You know what? She’s better off with the drugs than she would have been with a wuss like you!”
“But God –“
“Now let’s see. ‘Expressed 3.4% of his deepest feelings’.
“Your teenage daughter back in 2000 offered to do a hit of Ecstasy with you to try to heal the rift between the two of you, and you responded by grounding her for a week, out of your own fear and ignorance.”
“In the midst of the safest civilization I ever created, you mocked Me by playing it safe!”
“But I –”
“And to top it all off, you wasted your best energies the last 15 years of your life dreading your death…so much so, it looked from Here like you were rehearsing for it!”
I knew what was coming.
“Therefore, as the Judge of your life, I hereby condemn you to Hell without parole. You have not earned the right to return. Now get out of My sight!”
At that a seraphim took a vice-like hold of my arm, and dragged me down the hall.
“Why is He so mad at me?!” I was desperately trying to figure this out. “Did He want me to be more like Jesus?”
“Moses? King Solomon?”
“No you idiot!” Said the seraphim. “He wanted you to be more like you!”
At that he threw me into a waiting elevator, and down I went.